Smart phones

•July 27, 2011 • 1 Comment

In my pocket, I own a device that has the ability to do more things thought possible today. Aside from the simple calling and texting. This device can also surf the internet and handle most websites with ease. It can also download a vast array of applications from simple (like a lightsaber app) or more complex (Live tracking of stocks). We can also download games that are slowly but surely becoming as in depth as some of the handheld games. Yet we still consider these devices “phones”


Now many of you may use the calling feature on these portable communication devices, but that for many people is no longer the primary function of a phone anymore. Instead we text, or update our statues  via twitter or facebook. I don’t consider it to be a bad thing per say, I’m not much of a social media person, but I can apprecate the concept of posting what you do every fifteen minutes to your friends and family.


Those things aside, I wonder is it wise to continue to call our smart phones “phones”? I think communication device is a good step in the right direction, however I think there are better options.



Pouches don’t sounds tasty

•July 11, 2011 • Leave a Comment

As an employee of the grocery industry. You get to see some interesting and unique products that show up from time to time. Some are wacky. Some just sound awful. Today I present to you an unfortunate sounding food.

At first glance all you read is “squezable sauce pouches” When I think of sauce I think of mustard, hot wing sauce, and other various food enhancers. When I think of pouch I think of something you store small items such as a camera, film, and all of your dignity.

When you put both of these words together it makes me want to vomit. Remind you that is your first look at the product. When you look closer, you realize that they forgot to add one critical word to make this 100 times more appealing


These are apple sauce pouches. Now, I’m not a fan per say of apple sauce, so this product doesn’t appeal to me. That being said, I still think simply calling them “sauce pouches” only makes them sounds horrible. I realize that the apple comes at the bottom of the package, but that’s too little to late. In fact you could have called these fruit blend pouches and I would be interested. Actually they could have put any food based adjective in front of sauce and it would be much more appealing.

On a side note, can we go ahead and just assume that if a product is fruit based or even fruit flavored, it have 100% of your daily requirement of vitamin C? I think that catch phrase has lost all of it’s value over the past 10 years. You could put some vitamin C in a double whopper and it still won’t make you feel any better about eating at burger king.

Sourdough jack it where it’s at


Textitardation (Tard-texting for short)

•July 8, 2011 • Leave a Comment

  Our phones have become unique devices. I really don’t think the term “phone” can simply classify what its potential is anymore. However, what I’m going to talk about is one specific ability of our phones in this current generation. What I speak of is texting. Or really if you want to get classy “mobile chat”. I say mobile chat because a lot of what internet chat rooms have created over the past fifteen years have been a major influence to how we text and communicate. We use emoticons and abbreviations such as Lol, Ttyl, and other such shorthand versions of phrases and feelings all too commonly in the texting environment.

In fact waaaaay to commonly.

Which brings me to our current word of the day

Texitardation – State of where a person overuses and abuses common chat shorthand as opposed to expressing emotion through actual words.

Tard-texting – Act of overuse of common chat shorthand to express emotions and thought.

 We all do it. It’s hard not to. It’s much easier to simply say “lol” or place a “=D’ face on a text to show amusement or happiness. They are great ways to set a tone or mood in a text since it’s difficult to pick on subtle verbal cues such as sarcasm on a text. Take this for example

I hate you.

You see that in a text your first thought is, “Holy shit! What did I do to piss this person off?” Now let’s try it again with with some text shorthand

Lol. I hate you.

See there? You are no longer wondering, “Why does this person hate me?” We are now wondering, “Hehehe. What did I do this time?”

 The problem is  when used solely on their own these forms of texting shorthand become quite a confusing and irritating nuisance. I can’t recall the amount of times where I would tell an entire story and I would get for a reply was a Lol or lmao. A basic rule of conversation is that two parties need to communicate to classify it as a conversation. If I’m talking to you about what I plan on doing this weekend, or how my date went last night and all you bring to the topic is lol, ya, and wow. I’m better off texting a phone that I keep in my back pocket and I ass text reply myself. That way I can at least try to figure out what, “fauenge sand casserole” means.

    I wonder what, “Blitz passion cupholder has to do with getting to second base?

Overuse of shorthand texting is something I believe we are slightly guilty of. However, there are some simple ways to prevent yourself from falling into tardtexting and also to keep your textee from falling into the same trap as wellUse your words. Nothing says, “I have an education.” like using words in proper dictation.

  1. Ask questions. If you are going to tell a three page long text, ask a question or two to include whoever you are texting. Something like, “What do you think?” Does wonders here.
  2. Text interesting things.  If you are going to send me six texts about how your boss is a douche and you hate him. Get creative! Threaten to cover him in pancake batter and roll him down a hill or something. Alternatively if you are getting six texts of blah blah blah. Throw in some creative commentary. “You should totally pelt him with gummy bears.”
  3. If the conversation is starting to get stale, throw in a what if or what would you do question. “What if dinosaurs still existed? Which one would you own?” Or “What would you do if you could do one crazy ass thing and get away with it?”
  4. If all else fails. If the conversation gets THAT boring. You can always not text. You won’t hurt my feelings if you tell me you have to go or whatever. I’ll just go back to texting my own ass again.

Now what the hell does, “beware clam traps.” mean…..


Slutty slutty kool aid man

•July 7, 2011 • Leave a Comment

What can only be described as a true testement to human laziness. I present to you a breakthrough in fruit technology (If that even exists) Without further ado…

     This is the Grape ple. Not grapple like a move found from a ufc  fight. So what is this exactly? At first glance it sounds tasty! You like apples? How about grapes? Well you are in luck because we took both and with the power of science we infused both fruits into one! Now you can enjoy the great taste of both worlds in one tasty fruit!

Did science finally do a solid to people and make the best fruit on the planet? No actually…. what they did was take one good old-fashioned apple. Put it on an awkward blind date with the kool aid man. A few shots of tequila later (It’s always tequila) we get some weird socially awkward fruit that is full of sugar-water.

Still not as awkward as that one time you woke up next to Gary Busey

     What was supposed to be a healthy alternative to your every day food intake options becomes a wolf in sheep’s clothing. A once proud and tasty apple is reduced to the health equivalent of sugar-water. The worst part is that fruit splicing is not all that uncommon actually. You have a variety of different mixtures of fruits that have been created over the years so the grapple get’s a nod and gets to sit in the produce section. Most people take one look at this package and think, “Oh my! My two favorite fruits now in one!” Are sadly mistaken when they bring it home and read the fine print on the label. Now normally apples are what, one to two dollars a pound depending oh which type and season of apple you partake in. Four apples….four bucks. That’s roughly a little over three bucks a pound. I think the biggest confusion here is that if you are so desperately wanting to combine the powers of apples and grapes….why not just make an apple and grape fruit salad? furthermore, when does injecting fruits with flavoring create new and wacky fruit flavors? These should really be called “krapples” or “appool-aid”. Hell if all it takes to makes some extra cash I have a few ideas. Why not make the bananapple? Sounds catchy! Or how about the mangwi! It sounds so cute! Oooh how about strawmens!? Stawberries and lemons are always a good mix. Maybe you want something exotic… try the passiongranite!

All in all the best way to mix fruits is to mix them either in a smoothie or fruit salad.

Until next time.


Butter for lunch? Yes!

•July 6, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Okay, I think Paula Dean has too much of an influence on us.

Quick parser from outside the box

It’s ice cream!

•July 6, 2011 • Leave a Comment

There is a very troubling issue with our world today. It has gone on for as long as I can remember and the fact that no one has brought it to the attention of the U.S government is astounding. Of course I’m talking about the shape of our ice cream section in our grocers freezer. More specifically…


When you are asked what is your favorite type of ice cream and you answer vanilla…did you mean french vanilla? Or maybe you were thinking about the exotic vanilla bean? Or could it have been the super stacked double vanilla that was on the tip of your tongue? No, it was vanilla. Plain good old-fashioned vanilla. In fact, you never even consider alternate types of vanilla until you are bombarded with them at the freezer section. Since when do we need

  1. Vanilla (The only one that matters)
  2. French vanilla ( No one knows why it’s french anyway)
  3. Vanilla bean ( hint, there are bits of vanilla in the other vanilla varieties)
  4. Double vanilla ( It’s like doublemint gum really except there is no just “mint” gum)
  5. Ole vanilla ( What is this? Some cheap knock off of vanilla?)
  6. Old fashioned/homestyle vanilla (Unless grandma made it….it’s neither of these

The point is when we go for vanilla ice cream, we just want vanilla. Even then we really don’t “want” vanilla more than we want an ice cream that we can cover in our favorite toppings. Let’s face it; we love vanilla not because we love vanilla….we love it because we love hot fudge, caramel, and all of those other toppings we drown the vanilla in to negate the fact we bought vanilla ice cream. You heard me. We can’t go out and buy jars of caramel and hot fudge and drink it plain…that’s just…well unnatural. So we buy the vanilla ice cream and head home, place one scoop in the bowl and commence to the topping bombardment. I know some of you are thinking, “That’s not true! I eat vanilla ice cream all of the time!” I’m sure you do, but about halfway through your ice cream you will think to yourself, “I wish I didn’t run out of hot fudge” In fact the only reason we have root beer floats (The greatest dessert creation ever) is because of the fact someone ran out of toppings, got desperate and put the ice cream in some root beer.

Don’t get me wrong. I love vanilla ice cream. It is the canvas in which we create our own personal and tasty desserts. You can throw a pantry full of toppings and mixes into it and it will taste alright. However, all we need is vanilla. So I ask you oh kind distributors of ice cream, keep your cheap knock offs of vanilla and give me vanilla vanilla!